This dress was meant to end up on your floor
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
