you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
