Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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