Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Randomize
