I just made out with a guy for $7.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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