i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
