I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
