he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
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