He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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