i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
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