I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
