My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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