We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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