Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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