Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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