I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
