You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
