My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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