I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
