she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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