I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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