Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Randomize