if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
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