Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
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