How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
