Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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