Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
