thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Randomize
