Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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