bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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