see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
