I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Randomize
