Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
