I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
