I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
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