i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
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