M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
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