best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
