just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I still have a little drunk in my system
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Randomize
