Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
