well I can't set my house on fire every night
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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