Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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