they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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