We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
