how can u be prego again
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
