Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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