FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
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