She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Randomize
