college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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