alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Randomize
