please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
