im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
