dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
The beer is more important than you right now.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
