Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
