Your face is a jimmy john
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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