Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
